Lice or YOU'RE ALL INFECTED! BURN THE CROPS! MERCY-KILL THE CHILDREN!

Unless you've been living under a rock (or I have, miracle of miracles, managed to accumulate a reader outside of UM), you'll notice that there seem to be some lice running around our school. You may have also noticed the mass hysteria, perhaps that one chick running through the halls screaming around 10th period?

Well here's to ignorance. In this spirit, I'd like to spread around some facts about lice, to better prepare you to deal with the coming plague.

• Lice are transmitted by contact. Any contact, including fingers, bumping shoulders, or looking a carrier directly in the eyes for prolonged periods of time.
• Lice can smell your fear.
• If left unchecked, lice can burrow into the brain and exhibit mind control to a certain extent.
• Lice feed on human babies, and reproduce by latching onto the victim's face and implanting an egg in the stomach. The egg will burst from the victim's abdomen upon maturity, and emerge as a highly dangerous predatory creature.

That said, there are ways to prevent this seemingly unstoppable pestilence. Shaving your head will not do; fire kills these creatures. If you suspect that a friend is infected, do not hesitate to jump on him or her with a kerosene torch and burn the vile creatures from their dermatological crannies. Your friend will thank you after the skin grafts. Use caution when engaging these creatures; if necessary, contact the nearest contingent of S.T.A.R.S. Below is a photograph of a fully matured specimen.



Remember, trust no one.

Except me, of course.